The Immortal mummers Play of St George & The Dragon
1999 Australia Tour Version
with notes on the 1998 Czech Jirasec Festival show & Donzdorf 2004
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© David Albinson, Arthur Brain, Billy Suggers et al 1999
Suggers' Handy Hints - see Footnotes
THE PLAY
The Calling - on
Parade in, circle & present to audience.
Calling-on song. Adapt ion of the pace-egging song (trad.) Each character stands forth at his own verse and mumms his part, retiring at the chorus / next verse.
Here's one two three jolly lads all in one mind, / we have come a pace-egging and we hope you'll be kind / and we hope you'll be kind with your Eggs and Small Beer / for we'll come no more by you until the next year
And the first to come in is St George as you see, / with a bunch of blue ribbons tied under his knee / and a cross on his breast which like silver doth shine / and we hope he'll remember it's pace-egging time
And the next to come in it is Slasher No Good / and he's fought with St George until he's shed his blood / and he's come from the sea old England to view / and he's come a pace-egging with all of his crew.
And the next to come in is a bold Turkish (or Eastern) Knight / from a far distant country he's come for to fight / he will meet with St George and will fight with him here / to show him a hero knows nothing of fear
The last to come in is old Toss-Pot you'll see / he's a valiant old fellow in every degree / he's a valiant old man and he wears a pig-tail / and his only delight is in drinking strong ale.
Here's one two three jolly lads all in one mind, we have come a pace-egging and we hope you'll be kind / and we hope you'll be kind with your Eggs and Small Beer for we'll come no more by you until the next year
Prologue
Father Christmas Begins the introduction with a chanted speech. We found this more effective than singing. Slower and deliberate on the underlined words, staccato on the rest, but delivered at a fair pace
Room ! Room ! brave gal-lants / give us room to sport / for to this room / we're wishful to resort./ Resort and to / Repeat our mer-ry rhyme / good sirs re-mem-ber / it's pace-egging time
The Entire Company join in - good if you can march in a circle, perhaps spiraling in on Father Christmas at the second part. Choral chant with a lot of energy & pace - find your own beat, we used a fast - ish tom-tom type rhythm for the first part, slowing the second part down a little. FC could of course do the first part solo.
The time to go out pace-egging doth once again appear / so we have come to act our play before you good folks here. Now that you hear the trumpet sound and hear us beat the drum / make room make room brave gentlemen and let our actors come.
We are the merry actors who travel through the street. We are the merry actors who all fight for our meat. We are the merry actors who show this pleasant play. So stir up the fire and strike a light and ....
Act I
Father Christmas Step in bold warriors and show the way. Room gentlemen, room I pray and we'll quickly have the fighting men this way. Step in Bold Slasher
Slasher In come I bold Slasher, I am a giant knight. I come to challenge bold St George to see if he will fight. He fights for Olde England, I'll soon knock him down. I'll break his head and tear his limbs and carry off his crown.
Father Christmas Step In St George
St George Here come I, a Valiant Knight. I'll spend my blood for England's right. England's Right I will maintain. I'll fight for Old England again. Show me the man that bids me stand. I'll cut him down with my courageous hand.
Slasher My head is made of Iron, my body's made of Steel. My arms and legs of beaten brass, no man can make me feel.
St George If your head be made of Iron, your body made of Steel. My of With beaten brass all up your ....arms and legs, I can make you feel. ..... Stand off Stand off bold Slasher, and let no more be said, for if I am to wield my sword, I'm sure to strike thee dead. Thou speakest very bold to such a man as I. I'll cut thee into eyelet holes and make thy buttons fly. And send thee overseas to make mince pies
The Company ( a loud shout is required - very fast but without losing diction. All present jump into the air on OY! ) Mince Pies Hot! Mince pies cold! Mince pies in the pot nine days old - OY!
St George So draw thy sword and fight, or draw thy purse and pay For Satisfaction I must have before I go away.
Slasher One shall die, the other shall live - this is the challenge I do give
They fight - a good hack & thrust sort of a fight. Slasher overdoes it and despite trying a number of foul & unsportsmanlike moves, is felled. The company boo & cheer and encourage the audience to join in. If you can manage the full Pantomime job here, per Peter Pan or Robin Hood - Men in Tights, it will work well.
Father Christmas Is there a doctor to be found, All Ready, near at hand, to heal this deep & deadly wound, and make bold slasher stand?
We had a good bit of fun getting the audience to shout "Doctor, Doctor, Doctor" here. Kids enjoy this.
Doctor (running on, chased by assistant if he has one) Yes there is a doctor to be found, all ready near at hand, to ease the hurt and mend the wound and make the slasher stand.
Father Christmas Where hast thou been, and where come from ?
Doctor I've been to Italy, Spitally France and Spain, all round England* and back again (*or wherever it is you're performing. Llanfair PG would be a good test)
Father Christmas What can'st thou do, and what can'st cure?
Doctor I can cure all sorts of diseases. Anything that pains or displeases. the Itch, the Stitch, the Palsy, the Gout, the Raging Pain both inside and out. If the Devil's in a man I'll fetch it out. Give me an old woman, fourscore and ten - I'll make her young and plump again. I can ease and excess, cure a lack. Bring to like a cock with a broken back. In fact I can do most anything, and then come back and do it again.
Father Christmas What is thy fee, doctor?
Doctor Fifteen pounds it is my fee the money to lay down. But as 'tis such a rogue as he - I'll cure him for Ten Pounds Assistant looks at him with disapproval
Father Christmas Try thy skill, Doctor
Doctor I have a bottle by my side, the fame spreads far & wide. A drop on head, a drop on heart - rise up Sir Knight and take thy part.
As with the fight(s) the doctor's reincarnation of the victim takes up a line of text but a goodly part of the action. We graded the action, starting with a fairly simple reincarnation for Slasher, a slightly longer one for the Turk and the full kit for the clown, going back to a quick in & out for the dragon. Doctor's business needs to be punchy and not over-indulgent. See Footnotes
The Doctor produces a bottle of elacampaine (or similar elixir) and brings Slasher to life (see footnotes for what we did in detail)
Slasher O pardon, pardon me st George. One thing of thee I pray. Spare me my life and I will be thy constant slave.
St George Yes proud Slasher, but arise and go and tell thy land what a brave champion now in England there doth stand.
Devil Doubt Room room for me and my broom. Devil doubt sweeps up after the fight.
Act II
St George Here stand I St George, A champion am I. I'll fight with any heathen knight and his cold courage try. I'll give my life for England's right. A challenge now I cry.
enter Turkish Knight, princesses and retinue (if any)
Turkish Knight Here come I, the heathen Knight, come from foreign lands to fight. I come to fight St George, that man of courage bold. For if his blood be hot I'll quickly turn it cold. For I'll hop him and hack him and make his buttons fly and cut him into pieces as small as any fly and send him overseas to make mince pies
Company ( a loud shout is required - very fast but without losing diction. All present jump into the air on OY! ) Mince Pies hot, Mince pies cold. Mince pies in the pot, nine days old - Oi!
St George I'll fight with thee thou heathen knight. So gird thyself and boldly fight.
Turkish Knight No satisfaction shalt thou have, but IO will bring thee to thy grave
St George Battle to battle with thee I call to see who on this ground shall fall
Turkish Knight Battle to battle with thee I pray to see who on this ground shall lay
St George then guard thy body and mind thy head - or else my sword shall strike thee dead.
They fight - Turk is very stylish & very good. Plenty of flashing scimitars, cunning moves and athletic leaps etc ... a good opportunity for both fighters to show off. Eventually the turk is undone by his vanity & is killed. We had him fell St Geo. in a display of Martial Arts, assume he'd killed him and then pose for the girls. St George got up and dispatched him with a dagger. In Donzdorf St Geo. stuck his sword between the TN's legs. TN rolled over presenting a terrifying silhouette (esp to the Ladies of the audience, who dutifully uttered little screams).
Father Christmas Is there a doctor to be found, all ready, near at hand, to heal this deep and deadly wound and make the Turkish knight stand?
Doctor YES here's a doctor to be found, already near at hand, to heal this deep and deadly wound and make the Turkish knight stand
Father Christmas What is thy fee, doctor?
Doctor Five guineas and a loaf of bread I charge to raise one from the dead. But as he looks so odd and funny, I'll take the bread. Forget the money. (doctor's assistant is deeply distressed)
I have a bottle by my side. The fame spreads far & wide. A drop on head. A drop on heart. Rise up Sir Knight and take thy part. Business between Doc & assistant (see footnotes) culminating in a cure by Magic Elixir
Turkish Knight O pardon pardon me St George. One thing of thee I pray. Spare me my life and I will give thee all my slaves ...
St George Arise O gallant Turkish Knight and go and tell thy land. Christian St George has won the day, Against him none can stand. Let your slave go free for me and dance with joy and jollity The slave Girls dance with Joy and Jollity, {or anyone else who happens to be handy} on a technical note, we used accordion & whistle and an adaption of a Figgy Duff tune - The Gypsy, which is half Newfoundland & half Eastern European and fits like a glove.
Devil Doubt Room room for me and my broom. Devil doubt sweeps up after the fight (that's his job).
Act III
Father Christmas Proceed St George
St George Here Stand I St George, from Britain did I spring. Now I'll fight the Dragon Bold, my wonders to begin. I'll clip his wings, he shall not fly. I'll cut him down, or else I die.
Father Christmas Step in, bold Dragon.
All : DRAGON CHANT accompanied by very firm
drum beat and with the entire company edging forward in a line to menace the
audience. Done proper, this puts the willies* up everyone watching.
* An old-fashioned term and not at all rude in
polite English society. So there.
Watch diction - or you'll get "I am the Dragon, here are my drawers"
- not good for atmosphere !
Stand on head. Stand on feet. Meat. Meat . Meat for to eat. I am the Dragon - here are my jaws. I am the Dragon - here are my claws. Meat. Meat . Meat for to eat. Give me a young maid tender and sweet. I am the Dragon, I am the power. I am the pathway to every desire. Meat, Meat, Meat for to eat. I am the circle forever complete!
Enter Clown to everyone's surprise. Clown: In come I what ain't been yet, with my great big head and little wit. My head so large, my with so small. I shall dance a jig to please you all.
All NO!
Clown Oh yes I will
All Oh no you won't (etc.....)
Clown either dances or not - depending on whether you have a dancer - we didn't, but a Morris jig would go very well here .....
St George advances wrathfully, clearly irritated by the antics of this prat. In the Czech version, the clown jumped into St George's arms and (I think) kissed him on the cheek. Or chucked him under the chin.
Clown: I am a valiant hero, lately come from sea. You never saw me before, did you? I slew ten men with a grain of mustard. Ten thousand with an old crushed toad. What do you think of that, Sir Saint? If you don't be off I'll serve you the same.
St George I'll hop you and hack you, and make your buttons fly. And cut you into pieces as small as any fly. And send you to Jamaica, to make Mine Pies.
The Company ( a loud shout is required - very fast but without losing diction. All present jump into the air on OY! ) Mince Pies Hot! Mince pies cold! Mince pies in the pot nine days old - OY!
They fight. A real slapstick charade with lots of tripping up, "en Garde!"s and hitting up the bum with swords. Our clown had an inflatable joke-shop sword which went all flaccid when St George raised his mighty weapon. In the end, the clown accidentally impaled himself and expired. In the Czech version, he was then offered Fosters as a pick-me-up and died of sheer disappointment.
Father Christmas Is there a doctor to be found, All Ready, near at hand, to heal this deep & deadly wound, and make this tosspot stand?
Doctor Yes there is a doctor to be found, all ready near at hand, to ease the hurt and mend the wound and make the tosspot stand.
Father Christmas Where hast thou been, and where come from ?
Doctor I have travelled all up and down the country in this sort of manner and that. I have been from my grandmother's bedside to the fireside, and from the fireside to the cupboard-side, where I got many a lump of mouldy cheese and old pie-crust which made me the sort of rollicking bullocking boy as I am.
Father Christmas What can'st thou do, and what can'st cure?
Doctor All sorts of ills and sicknesses, just what me physic please. The itch, the stitch, the palsy, the gout. The devil I'll get out.
Father Christmas What is thy fee, doctor?
Doctor's Assistant (putting her hand over the doctor's mouth as he goes to speak) Fifteen pounds it is our fee the money to lay down.
Doctor (putting hand over assistant's mouth & removing hers) But as 'tis such a fool as he - I'll cure for half a crown
Father Christmas Try thy skill, Doctor
Doctor I have a bottle by my side, the fame spreads far & wide. A drop on head, a drop on heart - rise up my man and take thy part. The full no.1 cure - Injectorer (inserted with the words "Some folks uses vaseline, some folks uses lard. but I just spits upon the end and rams it in real hard" or "Some folks uses vaseline, some folks uses vic.. but I just spits upon the end and shoves it up real quick" or something equally rude & silly) Horse pill, Operation - prefaced by:
Doctor: Big Chopper
Assistant (inspecting Clown's trousers) Big Chopper!
Doctor (also glancing down) H'mm, big chopp ----- no, you fool! Big
Chopper! at which the assistant gets the Big Chopper out of the doctor's
bag. I've also seen the "Get out my chopper, Nurse" gag and the "No!
No! I said remove his spectacles ..." remark used. Doctor chops the Clown
in the belly. The Horse pill, "swallowed" earlier, shoots skywards
and several metres of sausages are pulled out of the clown's belly
" ..... say what you like about this man, he had a lot of guts! ..... "
At the end, all surgery fails. The doctor calls for becherovka. as he opens the bottle the clown stages a miraculous recovery, steals the bottle and runs off, pursued by the doctor and his assistant.
Act IV
Father Christmas Proceed St George
St George Here Stand I St George, from Britain did I spring. Now I'll fight the Dragon Bold, my wonders to begin. I'll clip his wings, he shall not fly. I'll cut him down, or else I die.
Father Christmas Step in, bold Dragon.
All : DRAGON CHANT Stand on head. Stand on feet. Meat. Meat . Meat for to eat. I am the Dragon - here are my jaws. I am the Dragon - here are my claws. Meat. Meat . Meat for to eat. Give me a young maid tender and sweet. I am the Dragon, I am the power. I am the pathway to every desire. Meat, Meat, Meat for to eat. I am the circle forever complete!
Dragon Who's he who seeks the Dragon's blood and calls so angry and so loud? That English coward, let him quail. I'll strike him down with my poisonous tail. With my dragon's breath and scurvy jaw, of such I'd eat a score or more. as our Cecil is such a daft-looking softie, we added I'll bake him and roast him and serve him with french fries. 'Cos dragons like me don't eat mince pies! - followed by the "mince Pies Hot!" chant.
St George Battle to battle with thee I call, to see who on this ground shall fall
Dragon Battle to battle with thee I pray. To see who on this ground shall lay
St George Then guard thy body and mind thy head; or else my sword shall strike thee dead
Dragon The knight shall die, the dragon shall live - this is the challenge I do give
They fight. The Dragon attacks St George with his poisonous tail, which in our case was worn around the operator's waist, attached to a string and thrown harpoon-fashion from beneath the mantle. St George eventually succeeds in chopping off the tail (untied by the operator) whereupon he can attack the dragon's neck.
St George So you oversized malodorous lizard, now it's time to slit your gizzard.
The Dragon falls (which I believe is a tourist spot in North Wales)
Father Christmas Is there a doctor to be found, All Ready, near at hand, to heal this deep & deadly wound, and make the dragon stand?
Doctor (running on, stopping & regarding the dragon warily) Yes there is a doctor to be found, all ready near at hand, to heal this deep & deadly wound and make the dragon stand.
Father Christmas Where hast thou been, and where come from ?
Doctor I've been to Italy, Spitally France and Spain, out the back and back again
Father Christmas What can'st thou do, and what can'st cure?
Doctor I can cure all sorts of disease; anything that pain or displease - the itch, the stitch, the palsy, the gout etcetera etcetera
Father Christmas What is thy fee, doctor?
Doctor Fifteen pounds it is my fee the money to lay down. But as 'tis such a beast as he - I'll charge you Fifty Pounds Assistant looks at him with admiration bordering on the erotic. Or great, sudden and very pleasant surprise - it doesn't really matter, the expression is very similar.
Father Christmas Try thy skill, Doctor
Doctor I have a bottle by my side, the fame spreads far & .........
Assistant (stage whisper) interrupting ... We haven't got a bottle
Doctor Why not?
Assistant Tosspot drank it .....
Doctor (Stage whisper) What have we got?
Assistant (looking in bag) A Sock
Doctor A SocK?.........
Assistant (looking again) ... Yep!
Doctor (resolutely) Sock!
Assistant Sock!
Doctor waves the sock under the dragon's nose, bringing it instantly back to life
Dragon O pardon, pardon me st George. One thing of thee I pray. Spare me my life and I will be thy constant slave.
St George No No that cannot be, for thus is the story told - how brave St George did slay the dragon in green and gold
he slays the dragon a second time
Devil Doubt Room Room for me and my broom
Epilogue
Father Christmas Ladies and Gentlemen, our sport is done, we can no longer stay. Remember now, that ever more St George will hold the sway. Ladies and gentlemen, we dare to hope if you've enjoyed our play, that you will now give to our cause, as freely as you may. Step forward my merry men
(Perm any two or three from the following. we used Jolly Jack in Czech - although I'm not certain we used this version-, Mally Masket in Oz where we added the "children 11" bit to devil doubt.)
Bellsie Bob In come I old Bellsie Bob. Over my shoulder I carry a club. In my hand an old tin can. Don't you think I'm a jolly old man?
All NO!
Little Jolly Jack (not used in Oz but used in CZ) in comes I Little Jolly Jack, my wife and kids all on my back. My wife so large, my kids so small - and I am father of them all. Old Ale, Christmas Pudding and mince pie - who likes them better than Father Christmas and I? No-one! So here's to Jack and here's to Jill, we hope our pockets you will fill.
Mally Masket (alt to Little Jolly Jack) In comes I old Molly Masket. Under my arm I carries me basket. although my family is but small I have to work to feed them all. When I walk, I walk abroad. When I sit, I sit at ease. Ladies & gentlemen, please give us what you please. A jug of your best ale will make us merry and sing. Some money in my basket would be a very fine thing.
Devil Doubt In comes I little devil-ty doubt. if you don't give me money I'll sweep you all out. money I want and money I pray - if you don't give me money, I'll sweep you away.
........ alt ending for Jolly Jack or Devil Doubt:
... Out of children 11 I have but 7 and they be started up to heaven. Out of 7 I have but five, and they be starved to death alive. Out of 5 I have but 3, and they be popped behind a tree. Out of 3 I have but one, and he be popped behind the sun. Money I want and money I need, so my children I may feed....
The last collector adds to his/her part But before you give us what you ask, we're going to dance the Bergomask
Bergomask dane - brawl, or other appropriate circle / processional. The company weave through the audience collecting spectators to join in. They always do.
Calling - off song
And now our play is over and we can no longer stay. So with your kind permi-ssion we'll boldly go away. But before we go we'd have you to know, we'd have you to understand. We are the men of Beerfordbury, the best in all the land.
Entirely the views of Billy Suggers, who does not even necessarily share them with the rest of the company - so there's no hope for the casual reader.
PHILOSOPHY
Mummers plays would not have been done by professionals - they were done for the ordinary people by the ordinary people. You can (and people do) play them "straight" as a demonstration of folk culture and/or a continuance of tradition and folk ritual, and I find nothing wrong with that. As we were presenting to an audience with no academic knowledge of English Folk Culture, who wanted entertaining rather than a lecture, we decided to use street theatre tools and to translate the tradition into a workable show. What we did was to use an amalgam of various scripts from around England, based in this case around an idea for a fight workshop from Bristol, published in the early '70s. It's as near as we could come to the atmosphere of the traditional plays without being too short, too long, or too incoherent. Its worth adding that our performance technique draws heavily on the modern tradition of village hall pantomime. To my mind the school / village panto is a fair equivalent of the mummers - and the two seem to go very happily together in practice.
HANDY HINTS:
#1 The success of street theatre lies in being bold, colourful and not over-complex. We have worked a lot with kids. They respond to colour, noise, action, movement, surprises, rude(-ish) ad-libs, being talked to and involved in the action, rhythm and music. So {in the context of this play} do adults. To achieve this, performing discipline and concentration is essential from every one of the company. The danger is that actors not actually in the action are still on stage - in view at all times. Chattering, scratching and noticeable loss of interest are thus very easy. And ruin the effect. I know, I've done it .......
#2 If you do this in schools or village halls, it forms a good base for workshops, from story telling, songs and tumbling for little kids to fight workshops, projection, presentation and folk / drama history for the bigger ones.
#3 If you can train the audience to chant, shout & join in this will bring its own reward. For mixed audiences, an introduction has sometimes helped ~ e.g. Branwell's splendid wind-up in Hronov ~ BUT you will need a GOOD warm-up man / woman. Don't try it if you don't know what that is !
WRINKLES - TRICKS & THE DOCTOR
Put here because you won't do what we did ! - the "business" really has to be adapted to cope with the way you want to present the piece, the available talent and the target audience. If you decide to be a bit "Trad" for example, you would obviously veer away from cheap pantomime gags. We like them, by the way.
When we did the play in Hronov, as a part of the Jirasec Festival (fringe) it was as a make-weight alongside the serious translation of a classic Czech work. We did it once, in the park, which has a good amphitheatre and outdoor stage. We knew we would have in the audience (or as the audience) the visiting Australian company and the Czech theatre group with whom we were doing the exchange. So it seemed logical to insult Australian Beer and replace the elacampane with Becherovka, a strong locally produced liqueur with a very herbal sort of base. Ideal for a magic elixir.
In the first reincarnation, the doctor's assistant produced a can of Foster's and displayed this during his speech. He then sniffed at it and cast it contemptuously aside, calling for something stronger. A small bottle of Beckerovka was then shown. The Doctor drank it, then breathed on Slasher, who recovered.
In the second cure, becherovka was again called for. The assistant produced a small bottle, whereupon the doctor whipped a litre from under his cloak and called for a funnel. There was a bit of fast swap business as the assistant attempted to steal the bottle / snatch a swig from it, then gave back the bottle top instead, then swapped that for the funnel, etc.... until the doctor ended up with the bottle. The assistant put the funnel in the Turkish Knight's mouth, but the Doctor seized it, put it in his own mouth and poured down as much of the contents as he could manage. Drips from the funnel brought the Knight to life.
The Clown was revived with a Full Dress Cure. Horse Pills (ping-pong balls) are tried. One is put in the victim's mouth and kept. An Injection with an oversized syringe fails (business with the corpse moving away from the needle, being pumped up and deflated). An incision is tried. The chopper striking the belly causes the horse pill to shoot skywards. Sausages are produced from the "incision" - several metres can be concealed in baggy trousers & shirt. Finally becherovka is called for. as the Doctor opens the bottle, the clown leaps to life, grabs the bottle and flees, pursued by doctor and assistant.
In the event, four hundred or so turned up in Jirasec Park (yes - we did the puns), including the Minister of Culture of the Czech Republic and a TV outside broadcast unit. (we weren't expecting that!). Michael, our tour director, did a warm-up in Czech, exhorting the crowd to join in and shout. They did. By the end they were shouting themselves hoarse. The joke about Becherovka and Fosters went down so well that lots of people went out to buy a little bottle (not of Fosters). Everyone sells it, but they don't stock gallons at a time (my work colleague's mum is Czech. Her nan used to keep a bottle in the cupboard in case anyone came over faint). So next day, all the shops in Hronov had sold out. Result .... (as they say in London).
When we went to Australia we did around 15 shows in schools and community centres. Scotch whisky replaced Becherovka, but the same format was used with some success.
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