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The Mummers Scripts


|| THE IMMORTAL St. GEORGE || Miscellany ||

English Folk Play Research website



Here be Dragons ...... Herein you will find the words of what the BBTWTA have been doing on & off for 10 years or more. Choice of play depends on the available side and how energetic we feel. Photos are on Zing!

 If you feel impelled to go Forth and Mumm, and you want to use any of "our" scripts we'd appreciate a note. We'd be pretty well chuffed & could give you some pointers to the dangerous bits - having died ourselves, we know a bit about how to avoid it (sometimes). Commercial use of the scripts in any way is totally forbidden, verboten, banned & actionable unless you pay a licence fee. (Be warned that Mummers in our part of the world tend to hold down professional jobs in the City & stuff.)


No.1 Play

Featured Cedric the Dragon, a timber and foamed plastic monster begot by Mac. A long-ish piece. So has its own page.

PRESS HERE for the words

ŠJon McNamara 1987. All Rights Reserved

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Clogging the Dragon


The Beerfordbury Barrel Tappers & Wine

Tipplers Association Mummers Play

"Clogging the Dragon"

Narrator 1 Come gather good people for the time has now come
That the Beerfordb'ry Mummers has come here to Mumm!
Narrator 2 We'll tell you a tale as you've not heard before
Of a time long ago aye - those old days of Yore...
Narrator 1 It's a tale of how clogging that greatest of arts
Were in fact first invented by folks from our parts ....
Narrator 2 Yes in Beerfordbury Town we'd have you to know
The art of clogging started a long time ago ...
Narrator 1 But first we'll tell you a tale of courage and skill
Of a Prince and a Dragon what come here to kill ...
Narrator 2 Of a Princess and Servant what in love had fell
And how in the end... well, it all ended well!
Narrators 1&2 Now here comes the Company please welcome them in
As with a fine ditty they join voices to sing ....
Company ( To the tune of "Sweet Betsy from Pike")

Good evening good people - we've come here to play

And to lighten your purses we hope and we pray

For we're all jolly fellows as enters the ring

To join with the ladies - our play to begin

Oh we'll tell you a tale as our Grandfathers told

Of how clogging began in those far days of old

For we're all Jolly Fellows as enters the ring

And we'll all raises our glasses - your praises to sing

And now that we've gathered the Mumming can start

And each in the Company will play out their part

For we're all Jolly Fellows as enters the ring

To join with the ladies our play to begin.

Narrator 1 So - let's start at the start with a King & a Queen
And a Princess unmarried and always had been ....
One day over breakfast when Princess weren't there
Said the King to the Queen in tones of despair ...
King That daughter of yours...
Queen She's your daughter as well ....
King Yes that may be so I really can't tell ...
That daughter of OURS Dear gets older each day
And if she's not married soon the dowry we'll pay
Will quite cost our Kingdom our crowns and the rest
We must advertise her hand and hope for the best
Queen Just her hand? That sounds rather queer...
King In marriage you fool ... ...ish lovely old Dear!
Narrator 1 And so it was done in all broadcasts appeared...
Town Crier Oyez ... Oyez .... Oyez
[Company Oh no!! ]
Princess for marriage - Rich man preferred
Send CV and 'photo - Bank Statement and all
Then sit back and wait for the palace to call.
Narrator 1 Now Princess weren't happy at this sort of approach
And she came to her parents the scheme to reproach...
Princess Look here Mum and Dad just a word in your ear
Concerning this advert there's one thing I fear
You haven't taken into account and that is this ...
With Roger - the servant I intend to find bliss
I like his looks so strong handsome - divine
And he likes your money so everything's fine
We intend to get married just as soon as we can
So there's no point in searching for some other man!
Narrator 1 Now the King weren't amused
Narrator 1 But instead were annoyed
King I'm really quite cross all this trouble I've gone to for you
I'm put out and puzzled and quite at a loss
Why my daughter should prove so untrue...
So lass you'll do as you're told you'll wed who we say
And as for that Roger no longer he'll stay
Here at the castle our meat to enjoy
'Cause there's no way my daughter'll marry a mere servant boy!
And it's no use you crying my mind is quite clear
And the Queen she agrees don't you my dear?
Narrator 1 So Roger was banned and to the village he went
Where long nights in the pub a' drinking he spent
A weeping, lamenting and cursing his lot
For the Princess he loved and never forgot.
Meanwhile back at palace the answers to adverts had come
And the search for a suitable suitor was on.
(Inspecting the audience ... )
King Too fat - too thin too daft - too dumb...
Queen To old - too evil too poor - too young
Princess Too sexless - too smelly Oh - look he's no hair ....
Narrator 1 'Till the three of them were fraught with despair
And the Princess said...
Princess Let Roger come back Mum & Dad he weren't very much
But he's the best that I've had ....
King Never...
Narrator 2 Said the King
King We'll go 'till we drop .. There's bound to be one somewhere in this crop...
Narrator 2 Then the Queen, with a cry, waved a letter in the air
Queen This is IT - the answer I royally declare...
"I am handsome and whole and quite rich I suppose
I bathe often and often smell like a rose
I am sexy and virile with an average IQ
And ALWAYS successful in all that I do
With my pet by my side I'll visit next week
As the hand of your daughter I eagerly seek
Now I modestly bid you All fond adieu ...
I remain - your's forever .... Prince Baddy the two.!!"
King He sound's perfect - just right I'll write and accept
For you know you can trust a man who keeps pets...
Narrator 2 Now the weeks slowly passed until the day came
When the prince would arrive his bride for to claim
And hardly had the sun shaken the sleep from its eyes
When a roar shook the earth
[ Company : "Roar"]
And dark covered the sky...
[ Company : "dark"]
When the prince swaggered in and there by his side
Was a Dragon - so large so ugly - so wide
That the servants in terror all wailed ...
[ Company : "Wail"]
... and they cried
[ Company : "Boo - Hoo etc." ]
As they ran from the palace in the village to hide ...
Prince Baddy In comes I what ain't been yet
With my little wit and my damn great pet
CECIL - the dragon, the scourge of all men
So cower you fools as Cecil comes in ...

Company with the DRAGON CHANT ...

Stand on head, stand on feet
Meat, meat, meat for to eat
I am the dragon - here are my jaws
I am the dragon - here are my claws
Meat,meat, meat for to eat
Give me a young maid - tender and sweet
I am the dragon - I am the power
I am the pathway - to every desire
Meat, meat, meat for to eat
I am the circle - forever complete.
King What dreadful deed is this you do
This foul and horrid thing?
To bring a dragon up to court
To threaten your own king ....
Prince Baddy Pah - King you'll be but for a while
For when the Princess I have wed
Then you'll no longer rule the land
For I'll be King instead
King Never - while I'm still alive
Will you ever get the crown...
For while there's breath still in me ...
I'll not let the people down.
[This may be repeated - until the audience can be made to cheer!]
So do your worst - you lowly fiend
For my mind will never change!
Prince Baddy Over your dead body Eh?
Well, that's easy to arrange ...
Cecil - take this King and Queen
And keep them safe - secure ...
You may eat them later - at your ease
When the crown we do procure...

[ Dragon chases the King and Queen from the stage area]

Prince Baddy And now Princess - there's just us two
Well - I won't pretend I'm here to woo
We'll wed tomorrow - just at noon
For I aim to rule this kingdom soon ...
Princess Never - would I wed with you
For another has my heart
So forget this silly plot of yours
And hasten to depart ...
Prince Baddy Oh no, my dear, it's here I shall remain
To wed a Princess is why I came
And soon the Kingdom too I'll claim
And King Baddy the 2 will be my name...
Narrator 1 And then - from village there came a fine sight
The sight of a fine volunteer
T'were Roger the servant, coming to fight
Which caused all around to cheer...
Roger Hello - prince - see here - free my Princess
And jolly well go on back home
Otherwise I might get pretty cross
And force you leave us alone
Prince Baddy What's that little man you're talking very bold
But then you're just a servant and a coward to behold
If you blood run even warm I'll quickly turn it cold
For I'll hop you and hack you and make your buttons fly
And chop you into pieces as small as any flies
And send thee over seas to make mince pies...

Mince pies hot

Mince pies cold

Mince pies - in the pot

Nine days old ... HOY!!!

Roger How can you talk of hopping and chopping
When I'm the Hero bold
And I'm sure to win the day
Before the story's told ...
Prince Baddy Pah - put up your sword and fight
But I will win the game...
Roger Fight I gladly will
My victory soon I'll claim
[They fight, Prince Baddy cheats - and Roger falls "dead" - often of a snaeky knee in the nether areas]
Princess Poor Roger, cut and dying
For my worthless sake
Is there not a Wise One here
Who can cure this sad mistake?
Wise One In comes I - the one so wise
I fool all men by my disguise
For fool the are that think me fool
My wisdom never gained in school
for I can cure all kinds of diseases ...
Anything that pains or displeases ...
The itch the stitch, the palsy the gout
The raging pain both inside and out
If the Devils in a man I'll fetch it out
Give me an old woman - four score and ten
And I'll make her young and plump again ...
I can ease excess, mend a lack
bring to life a cock with a broken back
In fact I can do most anything -
And then return - and do it again ...
Princess Can you cure this dying man
Repair his hurt and make him stand?
Wise One I'll cure this man of every hurt
As death I quickly do avert
A drop or two of Elacampain
To mend the wound and ease the pain
A draught from out this little bottle
Run it down the throttle ...
Will bring any man back to life again

[ The Wise One drinks deeply of the bottle ...]

Ah yes that's made a new man of me / it's too good for him ... etc

[Various protests & exhortations from Princess etc. to get Roger cured]

The "cure" is essentially an improvised section allowing more or less anything that you can think of in the Quack Doctoring line of business ... e.g. the injection introduced by the lines : " Rich folk uses vaseline - Poor folk uses vic - I just spits upon the end - And rams it up ... real quick!" . Also Tooth pulling (laundry or coal tongs, foam tooth, blood ... ), and our favourite, the horse pill followed by an operation ("Get Me Chopper out, Nurse .... ") One blow from the chopper sends the horse pill shooting skywards (ping-pong balls work exceedingly well) and a rummage about in the trouser dept. produces several yards of sausages (foam - stuffed tights are good...)

Eventually Roger is cured .....

Roger rises ..
Roger Oh wonders - I am free of hurt
And fit and well and quite alert

Roger & Princess exchange happy "greetings" until stopped by the Wise One

Roger Tell me Wise One - tell me how
We can be rid of the prince and dragon now?
Wise One 'Tis simple - if you listen here
There's but one thing that dragons fear
The mighty storm, the wrath of God
The striking of the lightning's rod
For dragons, like many men
Are bloated with a gassy wind
They use to make their fiery breath
That flaming hell of instant death.
Now dragons - metal are in part
Attract the lightning's flaming dart
Which hitting close into the heart
FX Balloon They do explode - and so depart...
Roger 'Tis easy said - but tell me how
A thunder storm we get right now?
Wise One That's up to you - I've played my part
Now from the stage I must depart.
Narrator 2 Roger pondered long and hard
On how a storm might be prepared
Then suddenly - an idea bright...
Roger That might work, you know, it might
I'll go down to the Village Inn
Where the girls of Peg Leg Unicorn
Meet up a'drinking Gin...
Roger Gather up your clogs, and your dancing boards
And meet up out side the Castle door
Play up the music the dance to perform
Come dance good ladies dance up a storm ....
Music/ clog dance / at the end of which the girls stamp and shout etc. to make a great deal of noise .... eventually the dragon runs about in fear - followed by the Prince Baddy , the dragon turns on Prince Baddy and chases him off the stage area...
Narrator 1 The dragon, he panicked and ran madly about
While the Prince behind him did run and did shout
Till the dragon grabbed the Prince and away he did fly
With out even stopping to say a goodbye ...
Narrator 2 And some do say though I cannot confirm
That on the way home they ran into a storm
And with a great blinding flash and a ruddy great bang
The Prince and the Dragon were not seen again...
Narrator 1 The King and the Queen were quick to agree
That the Princess and Roger should married be
And as to the Cloggies they're requested to stay
And to dance when they like to keep Dragons away
Narrator 1& 2 And that's why you find at each Beerfordbury fair
That Peg Leg Unicorn will be dancing there...

Final song...

Company Now Ladies and Gentlemen, our tale is now o're
We've come to the end and can tell you no more
For we're all jolly fellows as entered the ring
And all for your pleasure did play and did sing
Now pull out your purses - and for our sake
Give a coin or two - our thirst for to slake
For we're all jolly Mummers as drinks to your health
And wishes you luck good fortune and wealth.



ŠJon McNamara 1989. All Rights Reserved

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Kicking DeBouquette


"Kicking De Bouquette"

A 'Mummers' Play

As Performed by

The Beerfordbury Barrel Tappers


Wine Tipplers Association


Narrator Good evening good people I beg you all gather near

And grant us your attention our story to hear ....

We'll tell you a tale that our Grandfathers told

On cold winters evenings - long years ago

When the young folk and old folk together at night

Warmed themselves by the fires cheerful glow ....


It's the story of a greedy Lord and how the folks he did offend

And how he breathed his worthless last and them was brought to life again ..!


But before we start our little play please give a right royal cheer

For the entrance of the company as they come to gather here ....


SONG>>> Pray listen good people, don't haste to depart

For our play is beginning and is now at its start

As our company gathers by one, two and threes

Our story to tell, Oh we hope it do please ....

For it's easy we come and it's easy we'll go

When we've told you our tale of long, long ago.


Now gather in close and it's better you'll hear

As we lighten your sorrows, bring your hearts cheer

For our company gathers by two, three and four

To relate our tale, 'till we can tell you no more

For it's easy we come and it's easy we'll go

When we've told you our tale of long, long ago.


And now that we've gathered our tale will proceed

And haste to it's end with commendable speed

For our company gathers by three, four and five

And simply to please you we'll eagerly strive

For it's easy we come and it's easy we'll go

When we've told you our tale of long, long ago.


Narrator 'T'was Hock Tide down in the valley -

In fact - 't'were Hock Tide everywhere

When the Lads and the Lassies of Beerfordbury Town

Did gather for dancing and cheer


T'was the eve of our young Hero's wedding

And were pay day for Harvest and all

So they'd dance and they'd frolic

With drinks alcoholic

Like rich folks attending a Ball!


Now, all were JUST right for beginning

And musicians had JUST played the first chord

When who would appear, to a heart warming cheer

T'was Baron De Bouquette - their master and Lord


Baron DB I'm Baron De Bouquette - black hearted and mean

I'm a scourge to the young and the old

I'm scheming and grasping and not very clean

And 'orrbly greedy for gold!!


I've just moved into the castle on hill

For the old Baron you knew has retired

So I'm your new boss and collect taxes and such

And all your goods and money I require ...


ROBIN But my Lord, we are poor and penniless

And your words leave us somewhat dismayed

For our Hock Tide celebrations marked

The day when our wages were paid


The old Baron used to join us each year

To partake of wine, food and fun

And he pay us the wages for all of the work

That in the past year we had done


BARON DB Well now .... that's just too bad -

for you've done no work for me

So, there's no reason I should pay up

No reason that I can see ...


For I own the castle and I'm your new Lord

You cannot dispute those facts

And I've come here today to tell you

That I'm levying a brand new tax ...


You've all got thumbs - so we'll have a thumb tax

And a penny a thumb you must pay

A penny a thumb - or per part of a thumb

With the first payment due right away


Narrator A gasp of horror raced through the crowd

A filling their hearts up with dread

'Till young Robin, their spokesman, stood forth again

And these are the words that he said ....


ROBIN Your Lordship, we're nothing but simple folk

And we have no wish to upset or offend

But we cannot afford to pay you my Lord

For a penny's a great deal to spend ....


Narrator Now Baron de Bouquette were really put out

When he heard what brave Robin had said

And he took his sword out and waved it about

While his face went all blotchy and red ....


BARON What's that little man - defy me and die

For there's one fact to get into your head

A penny per thumb per week you will pay

Or a thumb per week pay instead ....


So stop all this frivolous dancing and stuff

For I'm here on the spot to collect

And I'll meter out death to the first to dispute

My right to your money, land and respect ...


ROBIN Say what you like


Narrator ....cried Robin to Lord


ROBIN 'Cause no-one here's scared of you


Narrator Which was quite bravely spoken - just like hero's should

Though in fact it was completely untrue ...


BARON To defy me is death


Narrator Cried the Lord with a roar


BARON Retract your words - or put up your sword

And test the strength of my skill ....


ROBIN I'm but a humble peasant Lord

But some fighting skills have I

And I'll not revoke the words that I spoke

So to fight you I must try ....


ROSE Oh no, Robin No ... don't enter this fight

For he'll out match you in cunning and skill

Now I'm almost your wife, just fear for your life

For you'll lose if you're killed or you kill ...


BARON She's right


Narrator Said the Baron


BARON a wise maid indeed

To see both side of the picture so clear

For should that I die then the King will avenge

A son that he holds very dear ...


Indeed I think I shall take her to wife

As I'm Lord all is mine to command

So put down your sword and pay up your taxes

Indeed give me all I demand ...


Robin Never


Narrator Cried Robin and


Rose Never


Narrator Cried Rose

T'was a rare moment that both did agree


Rose I'll never leave Robin


Narrator cried Rose -And Robin cried


ROBIN She'll never leave me

So put up your sword you loathsome lord

Put up your sword and fight

It might be my death - but as I draw my last breath

I'll know that my cause it was right.


BARON What's that little man - you speak very bold

Yet I think that you're are a liar and a coward to behold

And if your blood runs even warm -

I'll quickly turn it cold ...


ROBIN I'm neither coward - nor a thief

Like you my noble Lord

And I'm willing now to meet your match

If of breathing you are bored

For I'll hop you and hack you

And make your buttons fly

I'll chop you into pieces

As small as any flies

And send thee over seas

To make mince pies ....


CROWD Mince pies hot

Mince pies cold

Mince pies in the pot

Nine days old .... OYH!!


BARON Come - pull out your purse and pay

For I shall win the day .....


ROBIN Nay Put up your sword and fight

For winning shall be my delight ...


And so they fight .... with much shouting and cheering for Robin and

Booing for the Baron ... if he looks like winning ... eventually ....ROBIN WINS .... !!


ROSE Oh Robin, Robin ... what have you done

You've gone and killed the Baron

And now we're all quite undone !

For the King will swear revenge and take the life

Of the man who slew his favourite son ....


ROBIN Come sweet Rose and tell me true

Just what you expected me to do

To fight to live - or not to try

I'm sorry but I chose not to die!


ROSE Oh hush your tongue and turn your mind

To the man a' lying on the ground ...

Is there not a healer here

With the skill to heal this wound ...


QUACK In comes I old Doctor Quack

With cures for all inside my sack

I'll take your money, cure the maimed and halt

And then for your door I'll make a bolt ...


ROSE Are you a doctor ?


QUACK Well I pass as one ....

But I only cure strangers ....


ROSE Only cure strangers .... but why ?


QUACK Simple - I have no friends ...


ROSE No friends - that seems rather sad ...


QUACK 'T'is the nature of the world to the healer

For kill or cure is my name ...

And the hearty and well, my friendship repel

While the dead do friendless remain !


ROSE Good enough Doctor, now tell me true

Can you mend this dying man

Can you work the magic of your craft

And raise him up, make him stand?


QUACK My lady - healing is easy miracles take longer

The bill is bigger - but the medicine stronger

For I can cure all kinds of diseases ...

Anything that pains or displeases ...

The itch the stitch, the palsy the gout

  The raging pain both inside and out

If the Devils in a man I'll fetch it out

Give me an old woman - four score and ten

And I'll make her young and plump again ...

I can ease excess, mend a lack

bring to life a cock with a broken back

In fact I can do most anything

And then return - and do it again ...


ROBIN Enough of boasting - can you heal this man

Staunch his wound and make him whole again ?


QUACK Well good sir - I've a little bottle

Contains a potion of elecampane ....

A little of which poured down the throttle

Should bring a man to life again ....

A rare cunning brew of the midnight herbs

Will ease this Baron's pain

T'is the rarest of brews, his strength will renew

And quickly he'll stand again


[At this point ... the cure, as ever with the horse pills, the

chopper and the extraction of the improbable from the revolting

depths ... ie more or less as normal ( can we think of something

new ... rubber gloves, bicycle pumps and ladies underwear all come

to mind!)!] .... EVENTUALLY ...

There is the flicker of life ... but all in vain - the body

remains dead!


ROSE Oh come now Dr Quack, work your cure

and bring this man back to living

For when the King do hear of his death

I'm sure he'll not be forgiving ...


QUACK I'm sorry sweet Lady, though it cost me my life

I cannot raise this broken man

Though beyond my skill to cure or kill

I know a man who can!!

The spirit of earth, air, water and fire

He's all that will be, all that has been

The love of giving, the lust of desire

So give a good cheer for old JACK IN THE GREEN


JACK I'm the doctor of life, the healer of death

The rising of sap to the bud

I'm the thought that turns as Spring sun burns

I'm the song that sings in the blood

A healer you need and a healer is called

A healer is here at hand

I'm the spirit of springtime of laughter and life

I shall make this dead man stand ...

A black heavy heart is the problem here

And the answer easy too

we'll finish and start, with a change of heart

And so the man we do re-new


He changes the barons black heart for a new red/white heart ....


Now Baron rise up now your lesson to learn

Give more that you take,

Mend more than you break

Love more than you hate

And so your new life you'll earn ...




Narrator And so the Baron was healed and the village saved

Young Robin and Rose were very soon wed

The Baron was chief guest at the wedding

And when dancing started he cheerfully said ...


BARON Come Ladies - a dance me a dance

A new one for me, lest I forget

A new dance - a dance just for me

And let it be called " Kicking de Bucket" !!


PEGLEG UNICORN DANCE .... "Kicking de Bucket"



Narrator And that good people is the end of our tale

And every word we told is true....


BARON But - now's the time we collect up our taxes

And a penny per thumb - or per part of a thumb

From each one who's watched .... is now due !!


COMPANY >> [ While collection is being taken ]


Oh now that we've finished and our tale it is told

Please fill up our pockets with silver and gold

As our gathered company leaves at a rush

Down to the ale house - their throats to refresh

For it's easy we come and it's easy we go

Now we've told you our tale of long, long ago ...


Another dance ... or whatever ...





ŠJon McNamara 1990. All Rights Reserved

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The Immortal Mummers Play of St George 


PRESS HERE for the words - they're on their own page

#1 - Bohemia - as done before His Worship the Mayor, Corporation, Burgesses, Gentry and the Populace of Hronov, Czech Republic.

#2 - Australia - as used to frighten children and animals in the City of Goulburn, Canberra, Tuena and Taralga


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St George - an Ode


ŠJon McNamara 1989. All Rights Reserved

Clogging The Dragon -  verse version ( and they don't come much verse ... )


ŠJon McNamara 1991. All Rights Reserved


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